As part of my continuing professional development (CPD), I’m attending an online conference run by Ceremony Matters.
Originally the conference, whose theme is diversity, was scheduled to be held in a hotel down south but had to be “relocated” online. To prevent zoom fatigue, it is now being held over three weekends: this one coming, then one in January and finally one in April next year.
The first weekend is entitled “Non-binary thinking: Understanding LGBTQIA+ Identity” and will have sessions on “Non-binary thinking”, “Being transgender”, “Disenfranchised loss & faith”, “Creating meaningful funerals for LGBTQIA+ people”.
I’m looking forward very much to it. Although I’m an “old gay activist” myself and have thought about and discussed many of these issues of identity for a long time, I’m aware that the world has changed and as a celebrant I need to keep up. I’m also looking forward to catching up with the people I know in the Ceremony Matters community and to making some new friends.
The second and third conferences will be about “Racial Equity” and “Mental Health and Disability” respectively. I’m sure that there are places still available if anyone is interested in participating.
For my interview this week I stayed in Dundee and visited the Millar Family Funeral Directors in their modern and welcoming premises just off the Clepington Road. Husband and wife team, Suzanne and Graham have been in business as an independent family firm for almost two years.
Suzanne and Graham Millar . . .
. . . “Our family caring for yours”
But their experience in the funeral world goes back a lot longer than that. I chatted to Graham in their comfortable family room and he explained that he had some 37 years in the business. “As a young man I was working in garage when I saw an advert for a job as a trainee funeral director with a local firm. Maybe it was because my grandfather had been an undertaker but I just realized it was something I wanted to do.”
Graham’s career sounds like a roll call of Dundee funeral directors: Ashtons, Samsons, Dignity, the Co-op. And between them, Suzanne and he have over 50 years of working together as a team. But what was it that spurred them into starting up on their own?
“Having our own business means we can do things our way. We can personalize a funeral according to the family’s wishes and needs. We can be flexible. We want each funeral to be about the families themselves and we always try to accommodate their wishes.”
Of course many independent funeral directors say the same – that they’re able to tailor the ceremony to the family’s needs. But I put it to Graham that their long experience must help inform the advice and support they give: “Yes, every funeral is different and over the years we’ve seen everything! That does mean we’re able to advise on what works and what might not. But we always try to be flexible and we’re also committed to keeping costs down.”
Being a smaller family firm obviously helps them to deliver a very personal service but I wondered if it might restrict the Millars when it comes to larger or more complicated ceremonies. Do they have the capacity to compete with the big companies? “Absolutely!” replied Graham, “Again, it comes back to the experience we hold. And as for resources we are always able to access whatever we need. That comes partly from the really strong bonds we have built up with other independents in the area. So we can handle sensitively anything from a very small funeral with just a couple of people present right up to a really big ceremony, perhaps for a local celebrity, that attracts lots of folk, media, and requires live music, video etc. We have a very ‘can do’ approach to our work.”
That led me to my usual discussion about natural and green funerals. Would they be open, say, to using a coffin that a family had sourced themselves? Or let a family decorate a coffin? “Yes, definitely”. But I think this is where they bring a quiet wisdom to the process, something that stems from those many years of experience. Because there are many things to consider: what kinds of paints would be safe to use in decorating a coffin, for example.
And home vigils? Well, it’s just not something that people ask for much these days and modern houses are not always suitable. But I got the feeling that Millars would always try to make it work for the family – “we’d find a way” is very much a theme of this chat.
Flexibility is a theme – and so is team work. The Millars are a team in every way and it’s clear that Graham takes pride in knowing that when a family call up to ask anything about a funeral, it doesn’t matter who they speak to, they get the right answers promptly.
So what does the future hold for the business? Growth definitely. Plus a willingness to adapt to an ever changing environment. But not at the expense of those core values, and nothing sums those up better than their own tagline “Our family caring for yours”.
Many thanks to you Graham, for your time and best wishes for the future.
Some sad news this week. I heard that my good friend and mentor, Eddie Small, had died.
We first met in about 2009, not long after I moved back to Scotland. We did keep in touch but it was only after I started working for the University of Dundee where Eddie was a much loved lecturer that we we began to meet more regularly. We’d often have coffee together, usually in the Level 10 Café overlooking Dundee. Conversation with Eddie was always stimulating and inspiring – he was someone with a genuine interest in whatever the person he was talking to was up to.
And in turn I was always fascinated to learn about the projects he was involved with. And delighted and honoured when he asked me to take a small role in a production of his play “The Four Marys”!
I knew, of course, that he worked extensively with Professor Sue Black and the Centre for Anatomy and Human Identification (CAHID). So when my father was thinking about donating his body to medical research, I chatted about it with Eddie and was able to give dad lots of useful information to help him make a decision. And when dad died, I turned to Eddie to help with a eulogy and readings.
That experience was a key factor in my deciding to train as a celebrant two years ago. And throughout the process, Eddie was a constant source of support and advice.
Of course Eddie had a special research interest in the culture of death and he regularly gave a talk on The History of the Scottish Funeral. In fact, I asked him to deliver it this year. It was held just before lockdown and I often thought in the following months how interesting it would be to invite Eddie to give a reprise and to explore some of the profound changes that have happened since that evening in March. We talked only a few weeks ago about doing just that. Sadly not to be.
Eddie was a man of enormous charm and boundless enthusiasm. Always interested in what others had to say. Always modest about his own achievements and talents which were many and significant. He’ll be greatly missed by so many friends, colleagues and by his family.
Just recently a friend of mine mentioned that he worked with a ceramic artist who is also a celebrant and interfaith minister, Jane Sheppard. He thought I might like to see her work, especially her funerary urns.
I had a look and I was really struck by some of her designs. They are quite distinctive and very different from the usual urns and caskets that are available.
Each urn is individually made in the same way as Jane’s other work – hand built using the ancient technique of coiling. This is a slow, contemplative and meditative method. There are parallels between coiling and ceremony and this allows Jane to create a sense of sacred space within.
I think it’s very important as a celebrant, to be able to point people in the direction of alternatives to the usual coffins and urns. Of course it can be difficult when planning a funeral to consider these alternatives simply due to the lack of time. But the process of deciding on final ceremonies for interment of ashes is usually more relaxed and it gives people more opportunity to be creative with their choices.
From time to time I like to visit the funeral directors that I work with just to catch up and share experiences. That’s been difficult during the lockdown but now there’s more opportunity as long as we’re careful. So when I had to go to Cupar yesterday for some personal business, I asked if I could visit Steven Stewart and do a mini-interview with him for this blog.
I’ve worked a few times with Steven and his colleague Rhys Small but it’s nice to have the chance to chat more generally about our work. I started by asking how long Steven had been in the funeral world and how he had started out.
“I sort of fell into the business,” he replied. “About 23 years ago I got a job with William Jordan & Son, then one of the independent undertakers in Cupar. I started out cleaning cars, doing maintenance – helping out in all sorts of ways, but gradually I took on more responsibilities, started arranging funerals and at the same time, studied to become a funeral director and embalmer.”
Very much a mixture of learning on the job alongside formal study – and the evidence for the latter is an impressive set of diplomas on the wall of the family room in their modern premises.
Eventually, Steven decided to take the plunge and set up his own business some ten years ago. With national companies like Dignity and the Co-op dominating the market, as well as a new generation of “cut price” funeral suppliers, I wondered how an independent family business like Steven’s survives.
“Ultimately, it comes down to service. I’m from a big Cupar family and I’m a well-kent face here and throughout north Fife, St Andrews and further afield. So folk know us and know we offer the same service to them that we’d give to our own family. And they can be sure that the person they speak to first will be the same person that takes them through the whole process from that initial arrangement to the ceremony on the day and support afterwards.
“We also offer a very flexible service that’s tailored to people’s wishes. We’re open to some of the new trends – for example for natural, green burials. Or older traditions like home vigils. And we’re totally transparent on price. No hidden or unexpected costs.”
How has COVID affected the business? “Well, all the restrictions that everyone has had to deal with. Lots more remote working. Much smaller ceremonies.” Is that always negative? “No! One thing we’ve found is that people are often relieved not to be having the big funeral. They like a smaller family-centred service that is more intimate.”
Steven Stewart Funeral Director, sponsors a flower bed in Cupar with Fife Council
Lots to think about and lots of changes that may prove lasting.
So thank you Steven for a great chat. It’s really good to see independent and family businesses thriving and delivering such important service to people just at the time when they need it most. And looking forward to your celebrating 25 years in the business!
Last week I visited Balintore Castle, a few miles north west of Kirriemuir in Angus. I’ve known the owner, David Johnston, for just over ten years but it’s a while since I’ve visited his home so it was nice to drive up and see progress on the castle.
Balintore Castle, Angus
David bought Balintore in 2007 when it was little more than a ruin. Now with a huge amount of hard work he’s been able to launch a self-catering Airbnb business and, COVID permitting, is considering opening a restaurant.
Of course there is still a LOT to be done – this is a long, long-term project!
But it’s a project that clearly gives David huge satisfaction. He is dedicated to restoring this traditional Scottish castle in the most authentic and appropriate ways – constantly on the lookout for Victorian furniture and fittings. And he takes especial delight in unexpected finds: He proudly showed me two deer heads mounted on shields “bagged” at an online auction for a song. Well, Balintore was built as a hunting lodge so no surprise that he snapped them up. But there was no hiding his delight in the labels only discovered after the purchase – Deyrolle of Paris – probably the best taxidermy emporium in the world!
So I asked if Balintore is a potential venue for ceremonies? “Definitely,” replied David, “in fact we recently held our first wedding – with a colleague of yours officiating – Angela Maughan! We’ve also held a scattering of ashes. And in time it would be great to offer yoga retreats and the like.”
Balintore isn’t the easiest of venues to reach. And there’s still a lot of work required to restore some of the larger rooms. But it’s a unique place with a very special character. And the location and views are truly stunning.
Definitely worth considering if you want somewhere a little “off the beaten track”!
Yesterday I interviewed another celebrant for my “Celebrant Showcase”. Angela Maughan works, like me, throughout the Dundee, Perthshire, Fife and Angus areas. Unlike me, though, she is also a wedding celebrant…. and is more than happy to accept bookings for “destination weddings”!
We talk in the video about how Angela first entered this profession, what motivates her and what she sees as her particular style. Always based on the needs and wishes of the families she works with. Always driven by love.
I have just joined the Natural Death Centre – it’s a great source of information on all sorts of issues around natural burial grounds, green funerals and so on.
I think it’s very important to recognize just how medicalized death has become in recent years and how environmentally damaging funerals can be. But there are other ways to approach this.
Of course, here in Dundee, we are very lucky to have a beautiful natural burial ground just outside Kellas. CairnBrae is a magical place and offers a tranquil alternative to “traditional” cemetery burials or crematorium services.
Please contact me if you would like to discuss these sorts of alternative approaches to funerals.
It’s part of a constant endeavour to meet and network with more celebrants across Scotland. To share experience and hopefully to improve my own practice and hone my skills.
Many thanks to Rachel Cheer of Hope Ceremonies for observing one of my funerals and conducting today’ application interview. (And also many thanks to the family who kindly agreed to let the livestream from the crematorium) be observed in this way.)
Very happy to be a new member and looking forward to meeting other members!
My good friend, Paul Connell, is a photographer based in Dublin. During lockdown he found that the nearest open place he could walk in and get a bit of fresh air – without having to dodge joggers and cyclists – was the Mount Jerome Cemetery.
He started to notice the plastic “floral” tributes that people left on the graves.
At first it seemed like just another way we litter the world with our pollution. All the more so because in Mount Jerome, barely a blade of grass survives the Roundup regime.
But then, his photographer’s eye began to see a strange beauty in these flowers. Laid there in moments of profound grief and respect, they seemed to acquire an aura, a poignancy in the plastic.
Today Paul launched his new web site and there’s a lovely gallery of some of these faded roses.
Congratulations, Paul, on the new web site and thanks for all the beautiful and moving images!
One of the good things to have come out of lockdown for me has been making a lot of new contacts with celebrants not just locally, but further afield. I thought it might be nice to do a short series of interviews with some of these new friends to make a kind of “celebrant showcase”. An opportunity to speak about their work, why they became a celebrant and what they believe they bring to it.
The first in the series is based on a chat I had with Jill Jones last week. Jill and I met on a forum set up and moderated by Emma Curtis of Ceremony Matters. Since the start of the coronavirus crisis we’ve taken part in regular zoom calls and have become friends.
I started our interview by asking how long Jill’s been working as a funeral celebrant. What was her trigger to entering this profession? Jill replied that she trained in 2013 – “Before that I had written eulogies and even taken part in funerals. Then a funeral director friend wondered if I was interested in doing it differently – as an occupation”
Jill spoke about something that will be familiar to most celebrants – her experience of good funerals…. and not so good. “I’ve had the experience of attending a friend or relative’s funeral and of leaving the chapel and realizing that I hadn’t actually said goodbye to them. The ‘process’ has been gone through but without that chance to say goodbye”. And maybe one of the key triggers to Jill’s move into this work was her work on the service for her own dad.
So now, several years later, I wondered how Jill describes herself and what kind of ceremonies she conducts. “An independent celebrant rather than a ‘civil celebrant’. To me the word ‘civil’ suggests the office of Registrar too much. Also, to a lot of people it means no religious content at all. Whereas I say that, while I don’t conduct ‘religious ceremonies’, I can deliver a ‘ceremony with religion’. I do funerals, weddings, naming ceremonies and vow renewals. But though I enjoy all these ceremonies, it’s the funerals I really love.”
Jill is based in Stockton-on-Tees and she works across Teesside, county Durham and north Yorks areas. Middlesbrough, Darlington, Hartlepool, even as far as York.
So what, I asked, does Jill bring to her services? “Gentleness, calmness. And people skills honed after 30 years in education.” The family visit is clearly central to Jill’s work. She also spoke about active listening and scribing skills to ensure she captures the essence of the person we’re saying goodbye to. In her words, she is trying to find out how we say goodbye. But before we can say goodbye, we first have to say hello. And, for Jill, empathy isn’t enough, there has to be compassion.
We always say that celebrancy is a vocation, a calling, But it can be difficult. It’s emotional work… we’re relatively isolated… the phone doesn’t ring for days. What motivates Jill Jones to keep going? “When I’ve been out and I see someone who waves. And I know it’s because they know me as a celebrant.” So a recognition of important work done well. And Jill added that the networking she does with funeral directors, other celebrants and the continuing advanced professional development (“I took my own CPD into my own hands.”), it all helps her to keep going.
So what does the future hold? What goals does Jill have?
“To do what I do better. And, while I will always be prepared to conduct traditional crematorium and graveside ceremonies, I also want to move in a direction to do things that are green, natural, ecological. And of course, continuing to support families in a bespoke way.” So, natural burial grounds, coffin clubs, home vigils, home funerals even.
Thank you so much Jill! I leaned a huge amount and it was great to speak to you and, as always to share ideas and experience. With very best wishes. Michael
To contact Jill or just read more about her approach to her work see her web site jillvjonescelebrant.co.uk.
And here is a little clip from our conversation…..
